MARRIAGE PART ONE:
Below is a revised essay originally produced in the publication Islamic Newsgram/Al-Minhaj in 1994/1415 A.H.
A SMALL ADVICE
Whenever a Muslim family is established through the marriage tie a bright future for Islam and the Muslims is assured. Our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has said in the well-known Ahadith, “marriage is half your Deen..” and in another, “marriage is my Sunnah”. These Ahadith are best understood when looking at the overall purpose and objectives of marriage in the Islamic tradition.
1) Protection of the morals of the married couple, and through them the Ummah at large as sexual misconduct and promiscuity open the door to a variety of evils. Foremost is Allah’s anger and wrath that can lead to loss of spiritual blessings and material sustenance—not to mention various health problems such as STD’s and related health issues that may affect even the innocent. Confusion regarding matters relating to lineage and family ties that can adversely affect inheritance rights, etc. is another concern. These are among the reasons the penal code of Islam prescribes harsh punishments for sexual misconduct as this is an attack on the institution of the family. “Islam views sexual relationships outside of marriage a very serious matter because they destabilize the family and thus contribute to the breakdown of the entire social system. Islam emphasizes protection of the family by imposing severe punishments for activities that threaten the family foundation. These punishments are the same for men and women, and only a legitimate government has the right to implement them.” Clear your doubts about Islam Compiled by Saheeh international pg.47 These are among the reasons Allah (shwta) refers to the married couple in the Holy Qur’an as garments for each other.
2) The virtue of procreating and raising good children who after being taught the correct beliefs of Islam, its methods of ibaadah (worship) and way of life, will become a source of good to themselves, their parents, the Ummah and all humanity.
3) To preserve and maintain the family is to strengthen civilization and mankind in general. It is through the morally well-fortified family structure that Islamic civilization will become strong and prosperous as the channel of the family is among the means of preserving our beliefs and way of life. Some Ahadith of our Prophet (pbuh) state that all the Prophet’s and Messenger’s (pbuta) were members of the same family tree, clearly indicating not only the importance of the family as an institution but also the primary means and vehicle by which Allah (awj) chose to send His guidance to humanity. Seerah reports tell us that it was many families, tribes and sub-tribes that were a major means of support for our Prophet (pbuh) and through Him, Islam.
4) The sacrifices, duties and responsibilities undertaken both individually and collectively by family members which sustain the family will bring innumerable rewards and blessings that could not be attained any other way. It is because of the qualities needed to ’shoulder’ responsibilities and fulfill duties such as patience, compassion, endurance, forgiveness that bring out the best in the truly Allah—fearing.
For the smooth running and organization of the family, Allah (awj) has placed special responsibilities on men. Qur’anic commentators and the fuqaha (fiqh scholars) explain that the sacred law (Shariah) places emphasis on the Muslim men not only to be responsible financially but to treat the members of the family with kindness and benevolence. A just and compassionate husband and father is a means of stability and joy to his family, while the oppressive, overbearing husband and father will become a trial and hardship to those under his charge. This is why the Prophet (pbuh) said in the farewell Hajj on Mt. Arafat that believing men should treat their wives well because they are under your authority. Anas (rah) who was a member of the Prophet’s (pbuh) household for ten years said that he never heard Him yell or speak harshly at anyone in his house. All Muslims should try to treat their families well as the best of men Muhammad (pbuh) treated the members of His household.
On the other hand, believing women should aspire to emulate the character and habits of Umm-Khadijah (raah) who is exalted above other women of her time, for she was the perfect woman, mother and wife the first to accept Islam from the hand of the Master (pbuh), and the first of the mothers of the believers. (Umm-hatil-Muh-me-neen). Obedient, respectful, grateful and loyal. The relationship between Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah (raah) was not that of an ordinary married couple. Their love for each other was a type rarely witnessed and hardly experienced as this relationship was established on virtue, cemented by faith, duty and service to Allah (shwta). This type of relationship can only be understood and appreciated by believers as they will aspire to the lofty principles and character qualities it reminds and calls them to emulate.
5) It has been said that a good wife is a blessing in both this world and the Hereafter. This idea is somewhat clear in reference to this world, but how is the good wife a help in the Hereafter? Her help to her husband is by not creating unnecessary problems for herself or her husband which will trouble him and distract him from focusing on the affairs of the next world by perfecting his worship (ibaadah) and increased service to Allah (awj).
Brothers, we must treat our wives with justice and dignity, as commanded by Allah, whether in a polygamous or monogamous relationship. They are not doormats, slaves, or concubines, but servants of Allah whom He entrusted to our care. Allah has made men and women interdependent on each other by His wisdom and plan reflected in His creating one from the other. Adam (pbuh) was created from earth while Eve was created from Adam’s rib. Muslim couples must seek to develop the Iman and moral courage to settle their disputes by Islam’s criteria; this will be a clear sign of their gratitude to Allah for the gifts of life, good spouses, children and the gift of Islam.
MARRIAGE PART TWO:
Marriage and false expectations
“Whilst much preparations are made for elaborate weddings, both the bride and the groom receive almost no tuition and coaching about the challenges which lay ahead. Much time and effort goes into shopping and the preparations for the BIG DAY. However, for the many days to come, very little is done. Thus many couples enter into a Nikaah with false expectations of being “happy ever after”. It is vitally important that the groom and the bride be mentally prepared for the challenges that lay ahead. Marriage is a life changer. Both parties should understand that by entering a Nikaah, the days of freedom are gone. There will be a whole set of new responsibilities. From day one, life has changed forever. It is best to address some of the undermentioned issues before marriage so that future disputes may be avoided…”
HOPE FOR THE BEST… PREPARE FOR THE WORST… BEFORE GETTING MARRIED WHAT HE SHOULD EXPECT…
1-expect her to come with a cell phone when she leaves her parents’ home and for her to stay in contact with her family and a lot of friends. Consider yourself lucky if she does ask permission to bring it along.
2-Expect her to fall over her feet in serving your parents and relatives initially. Don’t encourage her. After three months all the fervor will be gone and you will be blamed for all the food she now has to cook for everyone.
3-Expect her to be consumed with WhatsApp. Twitter and Facebook etc. instead of the affairs of the house.
4-Expect her not to know how to cook, bake, sew, wash dishes etc.
5-expect her to demand a huge monthly allowance for shopping. Clear up this point before marriage.
6-Expect her to be rude and abrupt when you kindly remind her of her responsibilities. You will have to make Sabr.
7-Expect her to miss her family a lot. This is natural and offence should not be taken.
8-Expect her to ignore you somewhat when her family is around. Control your jealous impulses. Don’t compare it with the affection that she shows to your family.
9-Some scholars say that many wives do not have it in their nature to display affection towards their husbands. This does not mean that they do not love them.
10-Expect her to have wild mood swings especially when she is expecting or close to her monthly menstruation cycle. She does not really mean it when she is angry and tells you nasty things.
11-Your biggest Shaykh is your wife. She knows you in and out. You can hide your faults from your parents, Ustaads, Shaykh and friends. But it is very difficult to hide your faults from your wife.
12-Don’t expect her to supplement your income. The onus is on you to provide for her.
13-Consider yourself the most fortunate husband if you have you have a wife who is a means of you coming closer unto Allah. Don’t take offence at her ill temperament for the Jannah awaits you, Insha-Allah.”
HOPE FOR THE BEST… PREPARE FOR THE WORST… BEFORE GETTING MARRIED WHAT SHE SHOULD EXPECT…
1-He may want three meals cooked daily.
2-He may want his clothing washed and ironed neatly placed in the bathroom.
3-He may want you to complement him and praise him regularly. Be careful of this as he may have been on drugs.
4-He may want you to meet and associate with his family even if you are uncomfortable.
5-He may get jealous, if you are seen to be too close to your parents, brothers and sisters.
6-He may never help with household chores or with the children.
7-He may show annoyance at you because the children are crying when he comes home tired after a long day.
8-He may leave you alone at home while he is gone on fishing trips, or to watch cricket or play golf the whole day.
9-He may be a miser and just stick to the basics. Don’t expect him to spend anything on you at all. He expects that it should not be a problem with you when he squanders money on the latest mobile phones and other gadgets.
10-He may be impatient and expect you to be ready whenever he is going anywhere. Any delay will be frowned upon. You may even be sworn at.
11-Being the husband, he may feel that he has the right to be comfortable first. Thus the fan, aircon or heater, etc. will be used at his discretion even if it inconveniences you. Food should be cooked according to his tastes.
12-He expects you not to lecture him if he is a smoker though you may find it disgusting.
13-Expect him to demand his conjugal rights. Your headache and tiredness does not matter.
14-He may engross himself in with lots of ibaadah and Deeni activities to the extent that he will ignore your rights and happiness.
15-may Allah give every wife who has such a husband tons of Sabr for surely she is a Jannati, Insha-Allah.”
From the South African Muslim publication ‘The Shariah’ Vol. 3, #4.
